When is "Not a Negative" actually a Positive?
The longer I spend in the infertility wars, the more I realize that the only absolute positive is a "take-home" baby. Somewhere I have read that is what IVF success rates should really be quoting - unless you end up with a real live baby that makes it to your house (preferably in good health) can you ever characterize an IVF as anything other than a failure?
I realize that for some (rare individuals), just the process of trying may bring some closure even with no "take-home" baby. The term reminds me of "take-out" but it's oh so harder to achieve.
So, I wasn't having any success with a second pregnancy and I started on the fertilty quest. What happened?
1. Blood work - no apparent problem was no guarantee that I would end up with a baby but at least my quest was not immediately over.
2. X-rays of uterus and fallopian tubes - again no huge problem just meant my quest could continue - on to step number 3.
3. My x-ray indicated some uterine scarring (from either my C-section or the D&C from the first miscarriage). So I proceeded to minor surgery (day surgery in the hospital with some sedation) - a small camera inserted into my uterus to scope out the situation - scarring was not found near fallopian tubes and was not severe enough to prohibit future pregnancy - well, I hadn't struck out yet.
4. Proceeded to superovulation cycle (injectable estrogen to try and increase the number of eggs produced per cycle). I responded so well that my cycle was converted to IVF (too many eggs to chance fertilizing all of them and having too many implant - which in retrospect is sort of funny). Again, a large number of follicles implied a large number of eggs which allowed me to continue on the quest but again, NO PROMISES.
5. Good number of eggs, good number of embryos, fairly good quality of transferred embryos but again, DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A POSITIVE.
6. Positive pregnancy test with very good HCG count (twins very likely) - DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A POSITIVE.
7. Second HCG not as promising (some brown spotting suggested I might have lost one of the embryos), first ultrasound showed misscariage imminent - TAKE THIS AS A NEGATIVE
I think this is what makes infertility so difficult to deal with. So much of the information you receive cannot really be celebrated - it just means you are still in the running, not that a baby is likely to occur anytime in the near future.
You kept working away at the problem hoping not to hit that brick wall anytime soon - if you do it long enough, the "not a negative"s don't even look that positive.
When I became pregnant this fall, I didn't tell my husband until a couple of days after the pregnancy test - the positive test result was just another "not a negative" to me. I so understand the bloggers who are close to undone by what fertile women would consider "good news, let's tell everyone".
My last pregnancy ended in another miscarriage so once again, my true "positive" eludes me.
I went to the fertility clinic today to pay for keeping my embryos on ice for another two years - however, for some reason, I just don't see them as another 13 counts of "not a negative". Maybe because at the ripe old age of 43, I realize that those embryos are almost certainly my last chance and for some reason I have this enormous respect for them - I've certainly never been nurtured in a lab and then frozen for any length of time (come on guys, hang in there).
I have been so hestitant to try a frozen cycle as a large part of me thinks I would just be losing my last chance (all of the last 4 blastocycts and 4 embryos failed to implant). Maybe if I keep reading the other infertile bloggers I'll decide to take the leap of faith.
Anyway, in line with http://myeggsarecooked.wired-hub.com/ but with a slightly different twist.
What I have learned from reading about my fellow infertiles
That I don't know when life begins (or doesn't begin in my case) but I know that a woman's willingness to sacrifice for her children (emotionally, physically and financially) starts before conception.
D
The longer I spend in the infertility wars, the more I realize that the only absolute positive is a "take-home" baby. Somewhere I have read that is what IVF success rates should really be quoting - unless you end up with a real live baby that makes it to your house (preferably in good health) can you ever characterize an IVF as anything other than a failure?
I realize that for some (rare individuals), just the process of trying may bring some closure even with no "take-home" baby. The term reminds me of "take-out" but it's oh so harder to achieve.
So, I wasn't having any success with a second pregnancy and I started on the fertilty quest. What happened?
1. Blood work - no apparent problem was no guarantee that I would end up with a baby but at least my quest was not immediately over.
2. X-rays of uterus and fallopian tubes - again no huge problem just meant my quest could continue - on to step number 3.
3. My x-ray indicated some uterine scarring (from either my C-section or the D&C from the first miscarriage). So I proceeded to minor surgery (day surgery in the hospital with some sedation) - a small camera inserted into my uterus to scope out the situation - scarring was not found near fallopian tubes and was not severe enough to prohibit future pregnancy - well, I hadn't struck out yet.
4. Proceeded to superovulation cycle (injectable estrogen to try and increase the number of eggs produced per cycle). I responded so well that my cycle was converted to IVF (too many eggs to chance fertilizing all of them and having too many implant - which in retrospect is sort of funny). Again, a large number of follicles implied a large number of eggs which allowed me to continue on the quest but again, NO PROMISES.
5. Good number of eggs, good number of embryos, fairly good quality of transferred embryos but again, DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A POSITIVE.
6. Positive pregnancy test with very good HCG count (twins very likely) - DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A POSITIVE.
7. Second HCG not as promising (some brown spotting suggested I might have lost one of the embryos), first ultrasound showed misscariage imminent - TAKE THIS AS A NEGATIVE
I think this is what makes infertility so difficult to deal with. So much of the information you receive cannot really be celebrated - it just means you are still in the running, not that a baby is likely to occur anytime in the near future.
You kept working away at the problem hoping not to hit that brick wall anytime soon - if you do it long enough, the "not a negative"s don't even look that positive.
When I became pregnant this fall, I didn't tell my husband until a couple of days after the pregnancy test - the positive test result was just another "not a negative" to me. I so understand the bloggers who are close to undone by what fertile women would consider "good news, let's tell everyone".
My last pregnancy ended in another miscarriage so once again, my true "positive" eludes me.
I went to the fertility clinic today to pay for keeping my embryos on ice for another two years - however, for some reason, I just don't see them as another 13 counts of "not a negative". Maybe because at the ripe old age of 43, I realize that those embryos are almost certainly my last chance and for some reason I have this enormous respect for them - I've certainly never been nurtured in a lab and then frozen for any length of time (come on guys, hang in there).
I have been so hestitant to try a frozen cycle as a large part of me thinks I would just be losing my last chance (all of the last 4 blastocycts and 4 embryos failed to implant). Maybe if I keep reading the other infertile bloggers I'll decide to take the leap of faith.
Anyway, in line with http://myeggsarecooked.wired-hub.com/ but with a slightly different twist.
What I have learned from reading about my fellow infertiles
That I don't know when life begins (or doesn't begin in my case) but I know that a woman's willingness to sacrifice for her children (emotionally, physically and financially) starts before conception.
D
posted by DinosaurD at 11:13 AM
1 Comments:
Dino... I totally agree with you. Take home baby is about where we're at. Know I'm thinking of you, reading you and uhmm the uh drug called hope if you need it let me know... I have plenty and am willing to share. Nuff said...
Post a Comment
<< Home