Packing it in
I've decided to just keep my embryos on ice. If I'm in a better space this coming fall, I will consider doing a frozen cycle (if not, we'll probably offer them to my sister-in-law but with my history of miscarriage, who knows if she'd be interested - she also has infertility issues).
We were planning on a frozen cycle in the next couple of months as I have taken a partial leave of absence from my job until mid-April. However, (and it's a big however), the last miscarriage just knocked my stuffing out.
The past fall was all about "just let me finish my classes before I miscarry" and then "just let me finish this lecture before I start to hemorrhage" and then "just let me stop bleeding before I'm 50" and then "just let me get through my in-laws visit before I completely lose it".
With all the things I felt I had to do, there really wasn't any space for grieving or even considering how I felt about the whole situation. I'm one of those people who has a total inability to admit weakness and God forbid, to ever ask for help. So I kept it together (more or less) but if I'm truly honest, I'm just not up for doing it again (at least not anytime soon).
I also think that I have close to no hope for the frozen embryos I have. If someone could promise me that a frozen cycle would either result in a baby or no pregnancy, I think I could try it but I just can't take another miscarriage right now.
I have an enormous amount of respect for those infertile bloggers who are still engaged in the pursuit, especially those who are feeling "left behind". If I could grant you fertility, I would (in a heartbeat).
I will still be checking in on my favourite bloggers. I have visions of being 80 and still riveted to infertility blogs - sending my pension cheques to those who can't afford IVF.
And to anyone who lurks - you are always welcome, no comments necessary. The blog's for me - I make no apologies.
D
I've decided to just keep my embryos on ice. If I'm in a better space this coming fall, I will consider doing a frozen cycle (if not, we'll probably offer them to my sister-in-law but with my history of miscarriage, who knows if she'd be interested - she also has infertility issues).
We were planning on a frozen cycle in the next couple of months as I have taken a partial leave of absence from my job until mid-April. However, (and it's a big however), the last miscarriage just knocked my stuffing out.
The past fall was all about "just let me finish my classes before I miscarry" and then "just let me finish this lecture before I start to hemorrhage" and then "just let me stop bleeding before I'm 50" and then "just let me get through my in-laws visit before I completely lose it".
With all the things I felt I had to do, there really wasn't any space for grieving or even considering how I felt about the whole situation. I'm one of those people who has a total inability to admit weakness and God forbid, to ever ask for help. So I kept it together (more or less) but if I'm truly honest, I'm just not up for doing it again (at least not anytime soon).
I also think that I have close to no hope for the frozen embryos I have. If someone could promise me that a frozen cycle would either result in a baby or no pregnancy, I think I could try it but I just can't take another miscarriage right now.
I have an enormous amount of respect for those infertile bloggers who are still engaged in the pursuit, especially those who are feeling "left behind". If I could grant you fertility, I would (in a heartbeat).
I will still be checking in on my favourite bloggers. I have visions of being 80 and still riveted to infertility blogs - sending my pension cheques to those who can't afford IVF.
And to anyone who lurks - you are always welcome, no comments necessary. The blog's for me - I make no apologies.
D
posted by DinosaurD at 9:08 AM
3 Comments:
Dear D, I've just discovered your blog through a comment of yours at Searching for Zanity. I'm so sorry for all your heartbreaking losses. I can understand your not wanting to do an FET right now -- the stakes are too high. You need to get your strength up and be good to yourself for a while, then you'll have a better idea of what you want to do.
I hope it works out for you, D.
Hey D:
I'm glad to have found your blog and sad that you have reason to have the blog. Thanks for the comment re: hope(lessness). This hitting 43 and the loom of perimenopause has been doing me in lately. I've just read your archives and am linking to you. I hear ya on the whole "can it just wait" thing. I finally decided I couldn't wait any more. I'm back in school this year part time....now it can wait.
Came across your blog. Sorry for all that you've been through. I understand your feelings regarding doing a FET. Sometimes it's so hard to be hopeful when we've experienced so much pain and disappointment. Wishing you the best.
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