Flailing
Have you ever seen someone in the process of drowning? (I have, thankfully only once and the person was rescued but it made a lasting impression). The flailing of arms, the person's head sporadically breaking the surface of the water and then once again sinking from sight.
That's what I feel like right now. I am so tired of the phrase "the last miscarriage". I'm so tired of trying to whip myself into some semblance of normality. And I'm so tired of reading about other people's pregnancies.
I am fat, ugly and old (and I have such a charming personality). I am constantly tired both physically and emotionally. What I want to scream is "just stop the fucking ride".
And, and, and,... my son needs me more than anyone else in his life. He needs a mom who is happy and active and energetic. We have started doing the "coffee grinder dance" and the "coffee maker dance" when I make my coffee and it absolutely delights him.
I need to be there for my son (and a better "there" than what I am currently providing).
I think I'm going to take a break from blogger for a while - I don't think it's helping very much. I'm thinking I'll be back in around a month but who knows? Maybe I'll be back tomorrow.
I will still keep up with the people in my "links". Why did y'all have to be so interesting and smart?
DinoD
Have you ever seen someone in the process of drowning? (I have, thankfully only once and the person was rescued but it made a lasting impression). The flailing of arms, the person's head sporadically breaking the surface of the water and then once again sinking from sight.
That's what I feel like right now. I am so tired of the phrase "the last miscarriage". I'm so tired of trying to whip myself into some semblance of normality. And I'm so tired of reading about other people's pregnancies.
I am fat, ugly and old (and I have such a charming personality). I am constantly tired both physically and emotionally. What I want to scream is "just stop the fucking ride".
And, and, and,... my son needs me more than anyone else in his life. He needs a mom who is happy and active and energetic. We have started doing the "coffee grinder dance" and the "coffee maker dance" when I make my coffee and it absolutely delights him.
I need to be there for my son (and a better "there" than what I am currently providing).
I think I'm going to take a break from blogger for a while - I don't think it's helping very much. I'm thinking I'll be back in around a month but who knows? Maybe I'll be back tomorrow.
I will still keep up with the people in my "links". Why did y'all have to be so interesting and smart?
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 9:46 AM
9 Comments:
I am quite sure that you are not ugly, no way, no how. You are amazing.
I completely understand your need for a break.
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are back tomorrow!
Take care,
I carry a lot of guilt around with me right now because I feel X gets the short side of the attention stick.
One of the major concerns I voiced to our RE when we attempted IVF#1 was that we were taking money out of X's future - whether that was the food on the table, or the funds for his college. I fret over what could I have bought with that money that was pissed away; what could I buy with the money I will probably "invest" in with another IVF? More importantly, how much unhappiness does he see in me, in us?
Please don't leave us for good, but leave for good reasons - your son...and visit often!
I think it's important to take a break when you need to. Infertility gets tiring and sometimes it's nice to return to normal life.
Enjoy your son. We'll still be here when you come back.
Taking a break is okay - call it a vacation... but come back refreshed, renewed and invigored and enjoy the time with the boy...
Life is short... enjoy it the best way you can and take care of yourself!
I totally get the need a break and the whole primal scream thing. Totally. I've been silently screaming about the roller coaster ride for a while now. I realized the other day looking at how long my archives list is on my blog that I've been blogging about infertility long enough to have potentially had one baby and be carrying a second now. So take all the break you want, keep doing the coffee grinder dance, and trust me, you're interesting and smart too!
Go ahead and take whatever break you need. We'll still be here when you get back. I'm sorry it hurts so much right now.
Take care of yourself and your son.
Like the others said, we'll be here if you decide to come back.
Oh, I'll miss you, Dino! Hurry back!
Thanks for coming to visit me. It's nice to find someone with a similar story. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I started out with a recurrent miscarriage blog and ended up with...well, I don't really know.
But reading this I will say that I do have a pretty good idea of how you feel. It's good to get away, but I hope you don't stay away too long.
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