Hope In My World
Right after the last miscarriage, opening someone's blog and finding that they had just had a positive pregnancy test was painful. My immediate click to change to another blog was about as quickly accomplished as a physical withdrawal from pain (think hot stove or burner here).
Now I am actually following some (previously infertile) bloggers who have become pregnant. I'm happy for them and some of them just write too well to bid adieu. It's strange though that I really don't identify with them at all. After all, I did have my son, I do know something about being pregnant.
However, I read their blogs and it feels like we are barely even of the same species. And yes, I know why it feels this way - I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams that I will ever have another child (okay, so my "wild" dreams are maybe not that exciting).
So when I read that another person is newly pregnant, I have a lot of hope for them but that's where hope stops for me. Their good news NEVER translates into hope for myself.
The hope that I search for comes from those women who have unsuccesful cycles and are still standing (often with an amazing amount of grace).
That is my hope.
DinoD
Right after the last miscarriage, opening someone's blog and finding that they had just had a positive pregnancy test was painful. My immediate click to change to another blog was about as quickly accomplished as a physical withdrawal from pain (think hot stove or burner here).
Now I am actually following some (previously infertile) bloggers who have become pregnant. I'm happy for them and some of them just write too well to bid adieu. It's strange though that I really don't identify with them at all. After all, I did have my son, I do know something about being pregnant.
However, I read their blogs and it feels like we are barely even of the same species. And yes, I know why it feels this way - I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams that I will ever have another child (okay, so my "wild" dreams are maybe not that exciting).
So when I read that another person is newly pregnant, I have a lot of hope for them but that's where hope stops for me. Their good news NEVER translates into hope for myself.
The hope that I search for comes from those women who have unsuccesful cycles and are still standing (often with an amazing amount of grace).
That is my hope.
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 12:38 PM
3 Comments:
I know exactly what you mean. I don't translate the joy I feel when other IF'ers get PG after treatment to the possibility that it might work for me.
The tenacity of some women amazes me. I just can't imagine I could take that much.
When I look at how long I've been on this road, and how many IF'ers have become pregnant just even since I've been blogging, I feel some hope. Having said that, I am fairly certain that the hope is not for me. I'm almost certain I will never again be pregnant ... so my hope now is that I'm able to move onto whatever the next stage in my life is going to be.
I'm not sure how I look at other's success. I feel like a bitch when someone finally gets pregnant after YEARS of trying and who have no prior children. I get jealous and say to myself, it should have been me.
But I become a complete mess when I read that they've lost the pregnancy or that they pregnancy is wrought with problems. I can't help but try to bouy their sorrow by admitting that hope does exist.
BTW: There's someone who is looking for women who would like to contribute to a project related to secondary infertility. If you're interested, drop me a line.
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