I Didn’t Want Any
I’ve been looking at a few blogs that ask the question “how many children did/ do you want?”
Growing up, I didn’t plan on ever having children. I wasn’t the happiest of kids and I remember thinking “there is no way I’m going to ever put anyone else through this”, “this” meaning life in general.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a lot of my angst and found my husband. We’ve been together since I was 29 and we both agreed that at some undetermined date, we would like to have children. Unfortunately (fortunately?) we were pretty happy as we were and we kept delaying the children part of the relationship. We both agreed that we were open to international adoption and that we could always pursue that avenue.
We were both worried about raising a child. I never thought in terms of cute little babies but rather in terms of surly teenagers and whiny 5 year olds. It seemed like every time I went to the grocery store there was at least two toddlers in the middle of major meltdowns – screaming, yelling, kicking … I had no conviction that I would be able to succeed any better than the other moms I saw around me.
Finally, when I turned 37 we decided it was time (so I’m a late starter). I was one of those women that you love to hate. I was upset that I didn’t get pregnant the first month but then I did get pregnant on the second month of trying. About 8 ½ months later we had our son. Nothing prepared me for the type of love that came with my son – absolutely nothing (and I developed acute thyroiditis so the first few months after giving birth were somewhat like having a nervous breakdown).
After having my son, how could I not want more children? And of course, once I knew I wanted more, I was never so fortunate again.
So I carry some sadness around with me but the thing that gets me through is that I can NEVER look at my son and think that he is not enough. He is so much more than enough.
I’ve been looking at a few blogs that ask the question “how many children did/ do you want?”
Growing up, I didn’t plan on ever having children. I wasn’t the happiest of kids and I remember thinking “there is no way I’m going to ever put anyone else through this”, “this” meaning life in general.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a lot of my angst and found my husband. We’ve been together since I was 29 and we both agreed that at some undetermined date, we would like to have children. Unfortunately (fortunately?) we were pretty happy as we were and we kept delaying the children part of the relationship. We both agreed that we were open to international adoption and that we could always pursue that avenue.
We were both worried about raising a child. I never thought in terms of cute little babies but rather in terms of surly teenagers and whiny 5 year olds. It seemed like every time I went to the grocery store there was at least two toddlers in the middle of major meltdowns – screaming, yelling, kicking … I had no conviction that I would be able to succeed any better than the other moms I saw around me.
Finally, when I turned 37 we decided it was time (so I’m a late starter). I was one of those women that you love to hate. I was upset that I didn’t get pregnant the first month but then I did get pregnant on the second month of trying. About 8 ½ months later we had our son. Nothing prepared me for the type of love that came with my son – absolutely nothing (and I developed acute thyroiditis so the first few months after giving birth were somewhat like having a nervous breakdown).
After having my son, how could I not want more children? And of course, once I knew I wanted more, I was never so fortunate again.
So I carry some sadness around with me but the thing that gets me through is that I can NEVER look at my son and think that he is not enough. He is so much more than enough.
On a lighter note: just received a message from my doctor to phone her tomorrow - must be the results of my embryonic analysis (or whatever they call it) from the last miscarriage. Well it's a no brainer that whatever the news is, it's bad - what kind of news could possibly be good?
D
posted by DinosaurD at 3:09 PM
1 Comments:
I hope you get good news. Everybody tells me as far as the Dr. is concerned - it's only "no" news that is good news.
All infertilty hurts. My husband has 3 children but none with me (i have no children) and it breaks his heart. When infertility stops you on your path to being a parent before you are ready to stop, it is never easy to accept.
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