Get Out the Ruler
I just don't get it (but then, I'm not the sharpest tack on the planet). Every once in a while (actually fairly frequently) I see comments or posts about relative amounts of pain. Mine is more than hers, hers isn't as much as my friend's .....
Since when has pain ever been quantifiable? Since when can we measure it and what it does (or doesn't do) to someone? In my last post, I was not trying to say that anyone's pain is greater or lesser than anyone else's. I've learned an incredible amount about pain and grieving from Kristin and guess what? She's not infertile (imagine that).
It is entirely possible that someone in their 20s and with only one miscarriage can be experiencing more pain than I have with my history of infertility. Not only is it possible, it is extremely probable (just given the sheer number of women in the world). That doesn't invalidate me, just as my history of miscarriage and unsuccessful IVF in no way invalidates any other woman's experience.
What I was trying to get at (in my belaboured dinosaurial manner) was that there sometimes comes a time when the fertility door is so firmly slammed in your face that you reel and look for something (anything) to hang on to.
You know what I mean here - a hysterectomy will undoubtedly do this. Loss of both fallopian tubes if you are unable (ethically or morally) to accept IVF. But... for a lot of infertile women, the hope is slowly, slowly lost - there isn't any one decisive knock out.
But now, through the joy that is IVF (and yes, I know there are a lot of women out there who hold babies only due to IVF), we have another way to totally rip hope away with a venomous intensity that leaves me truly pissed off.
I understand Julianna at least a little (and I do understand that the fact I have a son makes my situation VERY different from hers). But I also have those frozen embryos and a history of great looking IVFs. A large number of eggs, great fertilization, nice progression to very good looking blastocysts .... but then no implantation. And I also have that warm little bit of hope that maybe when (if???) I ever do a frozen cycle, maybe, just maybe ... And I know that with my age, that's the only hope I still allow myself.
And if that cycle were to be a bust? I don't know that I'd still be standing. How the hell do you ever go through a cycle with the expectation of failure and just never allow yourself to hope even for a minute? It's not something I've been able to do.
And sometimes I get to the stage where I think I have no hope left but in fact I'm just fooling myself. When I became pregnant last October, I didn't tell my husband for a couple of days - I just couldn't. And every day that went by, I started to think maybe, just maybe... (okay, so it fucking wasn't).
So my frozen embryos languish and sometimes I beat myself up over it and now sometimes I will think of Julianna. And I still don't feel any closer to a solution.
And that is why I feel bitter about first time IVFers (especially those who are fairly young) - because they have hope and they should. I have hope and I shouldn't.
I never said it was pretty. Cheers.
DinoD
I just don't get it (but then, I'm not the sharpest tack on the planet). Every once in a while (actually fairly frequently) I see comments or posts about relative amounts of pain. Mine is more than hers, hers isn't as much as my friend's .....
Since when has pain ever been quantifiable? Since when can we measure it and what it does (or doesn't do) to someone? In my last post, I was not trying to say that anyone's pain is greater or lesser than anyone else's. I've learned an incredible amount about pain and grieving from Kristin and guess what? She's not infertile (imagine that).
It is entirely possible that someone in their 20s and with only one miscarriage can be experiencing more pain than I have with my history of infertility. Not only is it possible, it is extremely probable (just given the sheer number of women in the world). That doesn't invalidate me, just as my history of miscarriage and unsuccessful IVF in no way invalidates any other woman's experience.
What I was trying to get at (in my belaboured dinosaurial manner) was that there sometimes comes a time when the fertility door is so firmly slammed in your face that you reel and look for something (anything) to hang on to.
You know what I mean here - a hysterectomy will undoubtedly do this. Loss of both fallopian tubes if you are unable (ethically or morally) to accept IVF. But... for a lot of infertile women, the hope is slowly, slowly lost - there isn't any one decisive knock out.
But now, through the joy that is IVF (and yes, I know there are a lot of women out there who hold babies only due to IVF), we have another way to totally rip hope away with a venomous intensity that leaves me truly pissed off.
I understand Julianna at least a little (and I do understand that the fact I have a son makes my situation VERY different from hers). But I also have those frozen embryos and a history of great looking IVFs. A large number of eggs, great fertilization, nice progression to very good looking blastocysts .... but then no implantation. And I also have that warm little bit of hope that maybe when (if???) I ever do a frozen cycle, maybe, just maybe ... And I know that with my age, that's the only hope I still allow myself.
And if that cycle were to be a bust? I don't know that I'd still be standing. How the hell do you ever go through a cycle with the expectation of failure and just never allow yourself to hope even for a minute? It's not something I've been able to do.
And sometimes I get to the stage where I think I have no hope left but in fact I'm just fooling myself. When I became pregnant last October, I didn't tell my husband for a couple of days - I just couldn't. And every day that went by, I started to think maybe, just maybe... (okay, so it fucking wasn't).
So my frozen embryos languish and sometimes I beat myself up over it and now sometimes I will think of Julianna. And I still don't feel any closer to a solution.
And that is why I feel bitter about first time IVFers (especially those who are fairly young) - because they have hope and they should. I have hope and I shouldn't.
I never said it was pretty. Cheers.
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 7:38 AM
7 Comments:
I think that I mirror you. You have your excellent frozen embryos. How can you not think of my failure, after such mindfucking great news (until beta day of course), that is what you are afraid of....
your embryos will thaw beautifully, the embryologist will comment on their glory and you allow yourself to hope because you have to in order to complete the process and if it is good news, then it will all be worth it, if it is bad news, none of it will have been worth it.
At least not for me.
Because it does happen, and because it might, you have to try, just to know you did everything.
I know you are scared of the final act. I am too.
I totally get it. Pain in itself is all relative. The goofy face chart in the ER that supposed to indicate what level of pain one is in? When I stub my toe, at that moment it is the WORST pain in the world, right then. How can you take that moment and measure it against everything else?
I think we all afraid to hope. It's like a bandaid that's been on. The longer we hope (or leave the bandaid on) the more it hurts when it gets ripped off.
Unrelated note: I'm confused over your recent comment about the ad $$$. Send me an email, mmkay, 'cause I don't have any ads. Sorry, feeling a little confused (my natural state).
I don't feel like I'm a bitter person, but I often feel bitter that all hope for having another child is gone.
I don't like it, and yet I can't let go of it. I feel it will be a struggle for many years to come.
I guess I was lucky...within a year of the fertility door slamming in my face, I had the great fortune to be introduced to my husband's grown son (who he hadn't seen since before his 1st birthday). Would it have been weird to have a baby and a grown step-son? No. But at least I have the latter.
You make me think and that is a very good thing. I even blogged about and linked back to you... (be very impressed that I was able to manage to post a link in my blog to your post). I don't have all the answers... I'm not even close to having all of my own answers... all I can say is that I'm like a drug addict in regards to hope. I keep just a sliver always stashed away - and it keeps me sane... it keeps me grounded... no matter what crap is thrown my way. It's my drug of choice. I think you explained all of this way better than I can even begin to. Thank you for this post. It reminded me that unless we're in that particular situation we can't possibly know how another person is feeling even if they tell you. Because ultimately pain is what the person says it is...
I hear you on the age thing.
It is terrifying, taking a step which you know may be the one that results in the door slamming in your face. Of course you are avoiding it, of course. And while ART is still art, no one will be able to tell us why those lovely blastocysts of yours and julianna's won't implant. I hope the generation after us doesn't have to suffer in this way.
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