And the Appropriate Response Is?
I'm not bitter towards women who are pregnant. I'm not bitter about incredibly fertile women who seem to pop out babies on their slightest whim.
But yes, sometimes it hurts - a lot. And so no, sometimes I don't want to talk about someone's pregnancy or how someone is trying to juggle their three children. And no, I'm not EVER going to apologize for that. NEVER, EVER, AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
And sometimes I find myself grinning at someone's toddler and saying "how's it going?". And sometimes I find myself telling someone how beautiful their child is. And no, I'm not going to apologize for that either.
In fact, I think I'm pretty much through with apologies - take me or leave me but PLEASE, DON'T ASK ME TO NAVEL GAZE.
I'm sick and tired of worry about what we "owe" other people or what/ how we should be. Guess what - I genuinely care about a number of people and I treat them that way. There are other people I am not so fond of and although I don't go out of my way to talk to them, I don't cut them off at the knees either.
And people don't "owe" it to me to treat me with kid gloves. I have one friend who tells me a variety of things that all boil down to "you're lucky you only have one child". She only knows about the first miscarriage and I honestly don't think she has a clue as to what we've been through. And I adore the fact that she doesn't feel it necessary to tiptoe around me. (And does it hurt sometimes? Yes, but less then having people pussyfoot around me.)
I have another friend who knows about 3 of the miscarriages and used to jokingly offer me her daughter (who is now a toddler). Her daughter looks a lot like me and we used to joke about her really being mine. And I love that I used to hold her and have people assume she was mine.
And I'm not "always an infertile". I hate that phrase - you know the one... "once an infertile, always an infertile". What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?
If I had been unable to conceive for a year but then went on to have 5 natural (and successful) pregnancies, could I still legitimately hold on to the hurt of being "infertile" (hand to forehead, swoon onto chair). Yes, I've had a handful (exactly) of miscarriages since my son but does that mean at age 50 I'm still going to cry about not having a second child? Only if I am truly, truly pathetic.
So there.
DinoD
I'm not bitter towards women who are pregnant. I'm not bitter about incredibly fertile women who seem to pop out babies on their slightest whim.
But yes, sometimes it hurts - a lot. And so no, sometimes I don't want to talk about someone's pregnancy or how someone is trying to juggle their three children. And no, I'm not EVER going to apologize for that. NEVER, EVER, AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
And sometimes I find myself grinning at someone's toddler and saying "how's it going?". And sometimes I find myself telling someone how beautiful their child is. And no, I'm not going to apologize for that either.
In fact, I think I'm pretty much through with apologies - take me or leave me but PLEASE, DON'T ASK ME TO NAVEL GAZE.
I'm sick and tired of worry about what we "owe" other people or what/ how we should be. Guess what - I genuinely care about a number of people and I treat them that way. There are other people I am not so fond of and although I don't go out of my way to talk to them, I don't cut them off at the knees either.
And people don't "owe" it to me to treat me with kid gloves. I have one friend who tells me a variety of things that all boil down to "you're lucky you only have one child". She only knows about the first miscarriage and I honestly don't think she has a clue as to what we've been through. And I adore the fact that she doesn't feel it necessary to tiptoe around me. (And does it hurt sometimes? Yes, but less then having people pussyfoot around me.)
I have another friend who knows about 3 of the miscarriages and used to jokingly offer me her daughter (who is now a toddler). Her daughter looks a lot like me and we used to joke about her really being mine. And I love that I used to hold her and have people assume she was mine.
And I'm not "always an infertile". I hate that phrase - you know the one... "once an infertile, always an infertile". What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?
If I had been unable to conceive for a year but then went on to have 5 natural (and successful) pregnancies, could I still legitimately hold on to the hurt of being "infertile" (hand to forehead, swoon onto chair). Yes, I've had a handful (exactly) of miscarriages since my son but does that mean at age 50 I'm still going to cry about not having a second child? Only if I am truly, truly pathetic.
So there.
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 12:28 PM
6 Comments:
There are many things I could call you - pathetic has never been one that popped into my head. Fortunately it never will be.
I reserve the right to still be very upset in 10 years.
Great post-
fan-bloody-tastic post so much so I'm going to perform a one person mexican wave in your honour.
Apologies are often overrated. You state it better than I ever could.
Great post (and the previous one made me laugh outright).
I don't know. I have a feeling a i might have a day or two after 50 when I have moment or two on the verge of tears. Not often, but I could see a deep conversation with someone and remembering just how much it hurt at the time.
I'd much rather people not pussy foot around me. A co-worker's wife is having her second baby at 40. No problems conceiving, no problems with miscarriage. He knows my history and is very sensitive to that. At the same time, I appreciated that he doesn't avoid the topic. Of course, every time we discuss it I feel a vague sense of loss. I admitted last time that sometimes I feel a little bitter about all those crappy ultrasounds, and I appreciated that he let me say that without getting uncomfortable. He just said, "jeez, you could probably write a book!"
I'm not apologizing either. I'm not always going to jump up and down about babies, but like you said, I'm not cutting off anyone at the knees, either.
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