You Know I Would Tell You if I Knew

I am in the middle of a two week - ultrasoundless period. All I know is that 9 days ago we still had a heartbeat and growth that was within the appropriate range. The next ultrasound is late next week so I am in limbo, limbo, limbo.

I want to say that there is less bleeding but everytime I say that (or even dare to think it), it returns with a vengence so ah...... Actually, when there was less bleeding yesterday I used my stellar intellect to come up with the following scenario; the bleeding was from the developing placenta (some minor problem) and now that the fetus is dead, the placenta is no longer developing and therefore the bleeding is slowing down. Cheerful, no?

I am tired of being googled. How do I stop having my blog come up on searches? I guess I will have to ask my husband (he thinks it's funny that the searches drive me crazy so I'm not 100% sure that he'll help). Please, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IF YOU ARE 10 WEEKS PREGNANT AND NOT HAVING ANY NAUSEA and IF THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT AT 14 WEEKS, YOUR DOCTOR SHOULD BE HELPING YOU, NOT MY BLOG. There, I have once again illustrated my heartless and bitchy nature. And what is with my blog showing up with searches for twins???? Not here damn it.

Anyway, answers to recent questions (in no particular order).

1. I told my husband about this latest pregnancy at about 6 weeks, once I started having severe nausea. He might have bought that it was the flu for a few days but I don't outrightly lie to him (actually I tell him almost everything, this was the first pregnancy that I just couldn't tell him right away - I didn't know how to). I also had waiting long enough so that I was already bleeding and the telling went something like "I am already bleeding and so this is almost certainly another miscarriage but I'm pregnant again". Nothing like dumping everything on him at once, eh?

2. No, I am not on progesterone as I do not have a luteal phase defect so there would be no point (3 of the 5 miscarriages were tested and they all tested positive for trisomies so we are dealing with genetic issues, not hormonal). The only thing progesterone might do is prolong a doomed pregnancy (my body already does that on its own, I'm not giving it any more help).

3. No I am not on blood thinners. I have been tested for clotting disorders and it doesn't appear to be a problem. It would also be unlikely to be a problem as I have had one successful pregnancy. In addition, the problem seems to be genetic (see point number 2).

4. No, this is not the result of a FET - all 13 of the frozones are still nestled snug in their individual straws (assuming the fertility clinic had back-up power during the recent power outages). I would have told y'all if it was a FET - I'm not coy like that.

5. No, we didn't have any problems getting pregnant until we started fertility treatments (yes, you read this correctly). What we had were problems staying pregnant and then I turned 40. We decided (along with our clinic) to do a superov cycle just to increase our odds and then I produced so many damn follicles it was converted to IVF and then we got pregnant that cycle but miscarried again. "Aha" we thought, "we have found the golden goose" (at least with regards to getting pregnant) and so we began on another 3 fresh cycles. Alas, we didn't get pregnant again for another two years and when we did start getting pregnant again I was almost 43 and the last three pregnancies have all been natural conception. I know, I know, I don't know what the hell is going on either. I think it was Thalia who had some reference to studies postulating that women go through cycles of fertility???? Which I guess would also translate to cycles of infertility.

6. With five past miscarriages (3 positive for trisomies) and given that this egg matured a few weeks short of my 44th birthday, the odds of a successful end to this pregnancy are not great. Yes it helps enormously that we have (had???) a heartbeat but the growth is (once again) a couple of days behind where it should be and need I mention the bleeding? So no, I am not trying to be pessimistic but the reality is that this could all end in a very bloody, messy, painful and sad way and if that occurs, I need to be able to deal with it immediately - I won't necessarily get to choose when and if that happens.

I think that was most of the questions - sorry if I missed one. And if you came here via some damn google search, go away (or find some good medical sites to answer your questions).

Thanks for NOT linking to me in any of your posts - I HATE when people send sympathy and I have no idea who they are or how they got here. Nothing like feeling like the wreckage on the side of the highway that everyone is stopping to look at. (this is not directed at anyone who has commented in the last month or so)

DinoD