The plan is to wait for the full results of the blood screens at the end of this month. We will also have an ultrasound booked for the week after we receive the results (which makes me a little worried as it also takes a couple of weeks for amnio results.) I can always cancel the amnio up to the moment the needle enters the gestational sac so no, I won't be forced into anything. However, the amnio booking gets filled quickly so we need to already have it in the works.
And none of the stats are really helping me a lot one way or other at this point. Either this fetus is okay or it's not. So the probability might be less then 5% that there is a genetic problem but there either is or is not a problem - no 5% about it. The specifics are either a trisomy or no trisomy. No, I know I'm not being terribly deep here but to some extent (with the kind of probabilities I'm looking at), the exact stats only really matter if I was carrying 10,000 fetuses and wondering how many of them were likely to be genetically abnormal (or normal).
So, I am just cruising along trying not to think of too much. What does blow me away though is that so many people here are still following along. I have tended to form bonds with those of you who are not newbies and have seen way too much sadness having to do with lost pregnancies, miscarriages, loss of babies and inability to achieve pregnancy. I know what reading about someone's pregnancy can feel like - horrible, just plain crappy. So I don't expect people to still be reading here and I don't expect comments and it amazes me when I'm wrong.
And for some of you, the fact that I already have a child is something that could be taken as a slap in the face or proof that I have no right to complain. I do know how fortunate I am to have my son and I never take him for granted (ever). I also count myself fortunate to be facing secondary infertility and not primary infertility (at my age, I would already be resigned to being childless).
Which brings me back to the general versus the specific. I can read a blog and have empathy for someone who is facing infertility (and especially repeat pregnancy loss) regardless of how many children she already has. Give me the specifics and if it sounds honest and you hurt, I'm likely to have some empathy. However, in the general, the more children a woman has, the less likely I am to have empathy for difficulties encountered in trying to have more. Honestly, if I heard a woman had 6 kids and was devastated about not having a 7th, I'm not sure I would muster anything more than a "blaaahhh" in her general direction. And I have to admit, I don't even generally have a lot of sympathy for mothers of twins who are trying to have more ...except.... some of those blogs can twist your heart (being specific again). So for those of you who have yet to be able to hold your own children and are still cheering this pregnancy on, it's nice to know that people can be so much bigger and kinder than what I otherwise expect.
I promise, I will give you any more news when I have it - until then, no bleeding, no scans, no dopplers, very little faith and a slipping grip on sanity.
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 1:31 PM
11 Comments:
I have to admit, any announcement of a pregnancy is a twist in my heart. Knowing that others do feel the exact same way, even if they won't admit it, it amazes me that I had supportive comments when I had announced mine (both of them).
It's a strange feeling: to want something for yourself AND someone else so badly, so when it happens to the someone else you are happy and sad at the same time. Remember how I mentioned that you had seemed to disappear for a while back in September? It was a weird feeling on my end as well.
I'm all jumbled up, but D., I want this for YOU so badly, I feel an ache. I would drop everything here to be with you if you said you needed me to. But I know you won't. You amaze me. I'm envious of you, but not because of your pregnancy, but because you have a beautiful, quiet strength and grace. I wish I had just a thimble-full of it.
G.T., Always
The fact that you are non-perky, raw, honest & matter of fact all make me want this for you so much. You have seen too much, hurt too much & lost too much for me to want anything other than a happy ending for you. If I can't have it, then at least someone I like can...
I wouldn't stop reading unless you stopped blogging, I've always found you very in tune with how I feel about things. I do feel a bit jealous that you have your son, but I also understand that a loss is a loss is a loss, no matter what else you have in your life.
Very much hoping for you.
As Thalia said, won't stop reading til you stop blogging. I have to keep reading and catching up on how things are progressing. You give me hope that maybe I will get to where you are someday. Thank you so much for being brave enough to keep posting and sharing your hopes and fears. However I can support you I will.
Like DD said, if you need us to come help, just ask.
Wishing you all the best and staying positive for you.
Dino - you and a few others (not going to name drop) have been one of the best things to happen to me since I started blogging... and I for one won't stop reading until you stop blogging - so please uhmm not to beg or anything - don't stop. You can take a hiatus here or there but don't stop. While I tend to run the pollyanna line - your sarcasm and wit also are a part of my thought process and have helped me to get through some of the crappy days. I am of course keeping my fingers, toes, crossed etc that NBHHY and that that will continue to be the norm for you guys. As always let me know if you need help or an ear to listen.
Since I'm also a recurring infertile, I'm happy that it works for other people. Even if it is hard to know that it's not me also, I'm glad that it's you. And I'll keep hoping that it continues to be you.
DinoD, I wouldn't stop reading your blog, no, no, no. Other than that DD said it so much better than I could.
10.000 fetuses, now that would give ART a bad name!
You're very right about the general versus specific.
In general, I'm very reluctant to start reading more secondary IF blogs. Not because I feel women suffering from SIF have no right to complain or feel hurt, of course they have. I'm just as happy when they succeed, but the sadness for myself is deeper too, in general. A bigger person? Hardly.
Specifically, I've grown attached to your style.
All right, I only realized you had a son after I was hooked for some time. ;-)
Humbug to statistics, wishing excellent health for this particular fetus.
and you thought it would be easy to be rid of us..hhhhh no such luck.
You'll have to do more than that to get rid of me! I've never really gotten the whole "my loss is worse than your loss" thing. I spoke to a woman the other day who had experienced 13 pregnancies after she had her one and only biological child. I can't even fathom that kind of loss.
In any case, I've decided that infertility and old age have won the battles in my life, so now I'm moving onto fully rooting for you and Ollie and Julia...and the others in blogland that have been willing to share their journeys with me.
This is the first time I have been on your blog and your comments really resonate with me.
Me, I'm on my second empty gestational sac. I've known about it for 4 weeks now. I understand the mind-fuck all too well, the hcg tests, and the waiting. I too am waiting for the all-elusive Canadian ultrasound to finally confirm what they told me on the last two go-rounds...nice sac, but no embryo and no yolk. So sorry for your loss. This time I am thinking they'll add, "We'd better schedule that DnC!" and perhaps tag on a chirpy "Better luck next time!"
I hate sitting with the "big bellies" in the waiting room, I hate the nausea and the big boobs and the knowledge it is all for nothing!!!
I've shoved all the baby books into a black bag, as black as the empty gestational sac on the hateful U/S screen, and pushed them up into the darkest recesses of the attic.
I feel like screaming at strangers I pass on the street, "Dead embryo walking!" I hate the sympathy of my mother-in law and her spunky comments about taking each day at a time. I hate her for giving me a book of baby names, with her favourites highlighted, and I wish to a God I've never believed in that I'd never told her I was pregnant. Next time, I won't. God, do I even wish a next time on myself???
I feel like alternatively falling down on my knees or throwing my head back and laughing manically. But, somehow I keep chugging along day after day, going to work and hiding behind my professional mask, taking pre-natal vitamin after pre-natal vitamin, and just dying a little more each day.
Thank you for your rawness and honesty.
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