The Love-In is Over
Your comments on the last post were too kind (sniff, honestly). They made me get all choked up and then I thought "oh no, this is just like before most of my miscarriages, I'm too emotional, the hormones are out of whack.... oh no, the baby has died". So as I told DD, please, no more kind words, okay? You can be mean and snarky and the likelihood I'll cry about it is about zero but kindness? It always kind of undoes me.
Anyway, in the vein of snarky, there is something that I have to get off my chest. Now you know, if you've used "deserve" in any of your posts or comments, I most likely still love you if you are someone that comments here. But.... BUT.... BUT... I think we need to start some sort of movement to ban the word "deserve" and all it's variants in regards to infertility.
I HATE when I see a comment that says something along the lines of "you don't deserve this" with respect to a failed cycle or a miscarriage. The mere wording raises the possibility that someone might indeed "deserve this". Sorry, but I honestly don't think anyone deserves to find the intact embryo I did after miscarriage #5 and then get to see the speciman bag everytime they open their fridge that afternoon, evening and the next morning. But when someone says "you didn't deserve this" just for a minute I start doing the mental check: okay, what have I done that's really bad lately?
Anyone with any experience with infertility and all the infertility blogs out there should have come to the conclusion long ago that it has NOTHING to do with deserving (or being undeserving). There is no kind of great karmic justice out there that decided I should have five miscarriages. How can I be so certain? Because if that's your philosophy, you can't just leave it there. I would have to believe that I was born into a solidly middle class family in a country that almost guaranteed I would have access to shelter, clothing, food, health care and education because "I deserved it". And those poor children who will die in Zambia today? Well, they must have deserved that. Anyone in a hurry to line up for this point of view?
The idea that we get what we deserve just smacks of ignorance.
But the worst, the absolute worst (in my books) are the comments that say "you deserve this more than xyz" or "you are the most deserving". Is anyone out there able to say that about yourselves? If so, I am likely very scared of you (or maybe for you). And yes, I have read variations of these comments more frequently lately then what I am comfortable with (which would be never reading comments like that). I suppose those people who think they can rank the deserving and undeserving are also those people who think that censorship isn't bad either (as long as it's the right people making the decisions).
Okay, I'm done but at least I'm not crying. However, the anger issues I seem to have are also causing me to question my emotional stability right now. Oh no..., overly emotional....., crazy hormones....., I think maybe the baby has died.
DinoD
Your comments on the last post were too kind (sniff, honestly). They made me get all choked up and then I thought "oh no, this is just like before most of my miscarriages, I'm too emotional, the hormones are out of whack.... oh no, the baby has died". So as I told DD, please, no more kind words, okay? You can be mean and snarky and the likelihood I'll cry about it is about zero but kindness? It always kind of undoes me.
Anyway, in the vein of snarky, there is something that I have to get off my chest. Now you know, if you've used "deserve" in any of your posts or comments, I most likely still love you if you are someone that comments here. But.... BUT.... BUT... I think we need to start some sort of movement to ban the word "deserve" and all it's variants in regards to infertility.
I HATE when I see a comment that says something along the lines of "you don't deserve this" with respect to a failed cycle or a miscarriage. The mere wording raises the possibility that someone might indeed "deserve this". Sorry, but I honestly don't think anyone deserves to find the intact embryo I did after miscarriage #5 and then get to see the speciman bag everytime they open their fridge that afternoon, evening and the next morning. But when someone says "you didn't deserve this" just for a minute I start doing the mental check: okay, what have I done that's really bad lately?
Anyone with any experience with infertility and all the infertility blogs out there should have come to the conclusion long ago that it has NOTHING to do with deserving (or being undeserving). There is no kind of great karmic justice out there that decided I should have five miscarriages. How can I be so certain? Because if that's your philosophy, you can't just leave it there. I would have to believe that I was born into a solidly middle class family in a country that almost guaranteed I would have access to shelter, clothing, food, health care and education because "I deserved it". And those poor children who will die in Zambia today? Well, they must have deserved that. Anyone in a hurry to line up for this point of view?
The idea that we get what we deserve just smacks of ignorance.
But the worst, the absolute worst (in my books) are the comments that say "you deserve this more than xyz" or "you are the most deserving". Is anyone out there able to say that about yourselves? If so, I am likely very scared of you (or maybe for you). And yes, I have read variations of these comments more frequently lately then what I am comfortable with (which would be never reading comments like that). I suppose those people who think they can rank the deserving and undeserving are also those people who think that censorship isn't bad either (as long as it's the right people making the decisions).
Okay, I'm done but at least I'm not crying. However, the anger issues I seem to have are also causing me to question my emotional stability right now. Oh no..., overly emotional....., crazy hormones....., I think maybe the baby has died.
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 12:40 PM
5 Comments:
Ok, maybe you just "deserve" a smack upside the head to make you quit with the DBTs? ;) Kidding! I know that every twinge or disappearance of a symptom brings those thoughts on. Just had to be the first to leave a comment, I am weird that way.
I do love you and so hope it all works out for you. See, still haven't used the "C" word, per previous requests.
Not too Pollyanna, was it? ;)
Meh, you'd be having the same fears if you hadn't cried over those lovey-dovey comments, lack of hormones etc.
About the 'deserving' thing, you raise a valid point.
But couldn't you also see 'you don't deserve this' as an confirmation that there is no merit system. That bad things happen to random people.
Perhaps it's tied to a culture where "you can achieve anything if you try hard enough".
This point is pushed very hard in North-American pop-culture. I can tell from all my anthropological studies (aka watching too much tv).
I believe European culture adds "and with a good dose of luck".
This just occurred to me, as I've felt unease at reading that comment on other people's blogs. Do I deserve being infertile? I'm not an angel.
I feel a bit like that over the big 'who's in most pain' question.
We all are.
I wish none of us were.
But there is a bit of 'when you give up, I will have to too, so I certainly don't have a problem reading that another over 40 is pregnant.
How is it going?
And thanks for your comments. They help keep me sane. Mostly.
As you know, someone posted about how I "deserve" this recent cycle to work and I couldn't help but think of your post.
Dammit. I do deserve it. And if it turns out shitty, I don't deserve that.
And I responded to your question. Here's your answer: yes I remember that brutal fistacuffs we had, but what I really remember was the make-up sex.
I agree with Lut C - it's like the pain olympics.. what makes me more deserving than someone else - nada... zip zilch etc. It's comparing apples to oranges and it drives me bonkers. It makes me cringe because then I'm on a pedestal that is so very easy to fall off of. Ask the dogs - I'm no angel.
Ultimately I'll refrain from "hugging" and instead say - I'm here - lurking and coming back almost daily to check up on you. Not because I'm a gossip queen, but because I care.
On the other hand if I was a gossip queen I'd be directing everyone to the DD and Dino D fistacuffs and make up sex... how the heck did I miss that?
Ahh Anger - a sign you're out of the first trimester maybe?
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