Like it Always Was

I've read other blogs where mothers are constantly amazed that they have their children after encountering infertility. Occasionally my husband or I will say something along the lines of "can you believe that she's here?" But for the most part, it feels so right that it seems like this was always meant to be.

When she wakes me up every hour or two during the night, it doesn't amaze me (or delight me unfortunately) but it seems like something that I've done forever. When she wraps her hand around my index finger it feels like something that I grew up knowing. She is so much a part of our lives that it is hard to remember what it was like before she came.

I don't have the survivor's guilt that some IFs talk about. I feel like I paid my dues and more.

I am however feeling a little off kilter today. A year ago I was still trying to resign myself to never having any more children. I was already pregnant and didn't even know it. It was still four more days before I POAS and knew I was in for pregnancy #7 and likely miscarriage #6. My husband didn't find out until a few weeks later (once I started bleeding and could tell him it was the beginning and the end all at once).

I think for the next few months I will keep on thinking of where I was a year ago and that distresses me no end. A year ago was NOT a fun place to be. But I made it through with sanity more or less intact.

And I can look at my little girl anytime it starts feeling too close.

DinoD