I Miss

I know that I won the lottery when I had a successful pregnancy at age 44 after 5 previous miscarriages (and with no medical intervention or help to boot). I know that my family is now complete and I still have to sometimes shake myself into believing that I have both a son and a daughter. But... I find myself unexpectedly missing some things.

Firstly, I find myself missing the ability to comment on someone's blog and leave my url. I know there are a lot of IF bloggers who do NOT need to follow my link and hear about my daughter (or my son). I used to hate encountering bloggers who would comment so compassionately on someone's miscarriage or failed cycle but when I followed them, found that they had just had a child or were happily pregnant. I always thought their compassion was a tad fraudulent or insincere. My thoughts were along the line of "please, you're not there anymore so don't pretend you understand".

And now I find myself (very unexpectedly) on the other side. And it's true that while I remember how it was during the years of SIF (and there were a lot of them), it is now less immediate and far less painful to me. I will always have empathy for IF bloggers and especially for recurrent miscarriers but I'm not in the trenches anymore and I can't pretend to be. So when I comment, I tend not to use my url (with a few notable exceptions for blogs that don't allow anonymous comments). I miss being able to say that "I get it and I'm so sorry and here's some of my story".

I miss Jen, her spelling and her lack of punctuation and capitals. I never commented on her last post as I was at a total lack of words. I don't know what to say to someone when I want (so badly) for them to keep posting but when I also realize that it isn't what they need anymore. I will still go back to her last post and comment at some point once I have something remotely relevant to write other than "don't leave me" (something I have never in actual fact written or said to anyone). In the meanwhile I picture her careening about on a Vespa festooned with jelly beans (even though I know Harry would have drawn the line at that) and arriving home to joyous head-butts from a bloodhound.

I miss what could have been during the five years of miscarriages. I think I will always feel like I should have had three children and that the middle one is missing. I didn't think I would feel this way. I thought having a successful pregnancy would put all of the miscarriages behind me but that hasn't been true.

I miss the blogs that were unapologetic in their anger or pity or general angst. Somewhere we seem to have become overly concerned with pleasing the people who read our posts (at least to my way of thinking). My blog has always been where I can say what I want, when I want and I can't ever imagine trying to please whoever might stop by here. So maybe I am a bitch after all but for the love of all that's holy - STOP APOLOGIZING FOR HOW YOU FEEL.

I miss so many of the bloggers that have stopped blogging in the last couple of years (or who have gone password protected). I also realize it's the nature of the beast. You either graduate from IF blogging with children or without but where's the credibility in blogging about being infertile when you're 85 years old?

So I am left uttering inanities and cliches like 'the only constant is change'. And then I get down on my knees and thank whoever might be listening that I graduated from being a SIF blogger with children. It's a far easier path than the alternative would have been.

DinoD

*Yes DD and Sami, I noticed the whole rockin' blogger thing and I'm not really interested unless it involves a free guitar?

** New picture for those in the know