Dino Grump
I am only speaking for myself (of course and I'm not royalty so I can't use the royal "we") but I am tired of the notion that the world of IF blogs can only allow supportive people who vehemently second whatever any other IF blogger wants to write. No, I don't bash people in comments and no I don't send nasty e-mails to other bloggers (if I was going to be rude I would at least be public about it). But.... BUT... I don't support everything I read on IF blogs - far from it.
And I don't feel like I need to comment on blogs that I only read occasionally or that already have a lot of commentors. If you're writing for the comments, you're not likely to be someone that I really want to read anyway. I read blogs for the honesty, not for the narcissisim or to act as an audience. I also don't read them for the philosophy nor for the writing.
Often when I see a comment that says "beautifully written", I cringe. I cringe a lot. And no, these are not comments on my blog (although I probably don't really need to tell you that). Usually, the post in question is one that feels really honest and it's not the quality of writing that speaks out but rather the emotion. And some of the posts that try to wax lyrical also make me cringe (a lot).
And so, if a post sounds honest, I respect it - regardless of whether I agree with it or not (and there are a lot that I don't agree with). But just as I respect other bloggers' right to say what they want, this blog is where I sometimes also say what I want (and not nearly as frequently as I should).
So my pet peeve of the day is those people who have suffered a miscarriage or two and then feel competent to write about how other's should deal with a miscarriage - how they should grieve and what will make them feel better. (And yes, some of them do give advice about this - the wannabe Ann Landers of the world).
If you've been here before, you probably know that I have had 5 miscarriages, most of them late first trimester although they range from about 6 weeks through to the begining of the second trimester. And no, I don't know how anyone else should deal with a miscarriage but I can tell you what does not and never would work for me.
I will never refer to any of my miscarriages as my "babies" or my "angels" or any variation of that. Just as I will never refer to any of my transferred embryos and blastocyts as anything other than what I just called them. Yes I greived a lot for my miscarriages but it was for the loss of the potential, not for the loss of the actual genetically abnormal embryo (and mine where too abnormal to ever have given rise to anything remotely viable).
I will never expect someone to remember the date of a miscarriage nor the due date associated with one of them. That would be 10 dates to remember and would allow me something like a maximum of 6 weeks between condolences. (Well, maybe if I could demand cakes or chocolates or something and sue me if I'd rather laugh here than cry).
I will never talk about meeting my miscarried progeny after I am dead - with their genetic heritage I'd probably think I'd been sent to Hades by mistake (because of course it would be by mistake). I will never talk about my "lost boys" (as two of them were typed as boys). They weren't "lost", they were carefully packed and taken to the regional department of medical genetics.
I will never give the embryos from my miscarriages names. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the advice to "give your lost children names in order to grieve them properly" or some such crap. Can I name all my embryos and blastocycts as well and how will I keep 30 (thirty) names straight? Can I carry a cheat-sheet around with me?
And if I lose this baby, I will probably do all of the above as losing a well-formed baby that you have seen numerous times on an ultrasound and felt move for 7 weeks is a completely different experience from the miscarriages I have had. And that is probably why it's given a different name (just a thought).
DinoD
I am only speaking for myself (of course and I'm not royalty so I can't use the royal "we") but I am tired of the notion that the world of IF blogs can only allow supportive people who vehemently second whatever any other IF blogger wants to write. No, I don't bash people in comments and no I don't send nasty e-mails to other bloggers (if I was going to be rude I would at least be public about it). But.... BUT... I don't support everything I read on IF blogs - far from it.
And I don't feel like I need to comment on blogs that I only read occasionally or that already have a lot of commentors. If you're writing for the comments, you're not likely to be someone that I really want to read anyway. I read blogs for the honesty, not for the narcissisim or to act as an audience. I also don't read them for the philosophy nor for the writing.
Often when I see a comment that says "beautifully written", I cringe. I cringe a lot. And no, these are not comments on my blog (although I probably don't really need to tell you that). Usually, the post in question is one that feels really honest and it's not the quality of writing that speaks out but rather the emotion. And some of the posts that try to wax lyrical also make me cringe (a lot).
And so, if a post sounds honest, I respect it - regardless of whether I agree with it or not (and there are a lot that I don't agree with). But just as I respect other bloggers' right to say what they want, this blog is where I sometimes also say what I want (and not nearly as frequently as I should).
So my pet peeve of the day is those people who have suffered a miscarriage or two and then feel competent to write about how other's should deal with a miscarriage - how they should grieve and what will make them feel better. (And yes, some of them do give advice about this - the wannabe Ann Landers of the world).
If you've been here before, you probably know that I have had 5 miscarriages, most of them late first trimester although they range from about 6 weeks through to the begining of the second trimester. And no, I don't know how anyone else should deal with a miscarriage but I can tell you what does not and never would work for me.
I will never refer to any of my miscarriages as my "babies" or my "angels" or any variation of that. Just as I will never refer to any of my transferred embryos and blastocyts as anything other than what I just called them. Yes I greived a lot for my miscarriages but it was for the loss of the potential, not for the loss of the actual genetically abnormal embryo (and mine where too abnormal to ever have given rise to anything remotely viable).
I will never expect someone to remember the date of a miscarriage nor the due date associated with one of them. That would be 10 dates to remember and would allow me something like a maximum of 6 weeks between condolences. (Well, maybe if I could demand cakes or chocolates or something and sue me if I'd rather laugh here than cry).
I will never talk about meeting my miscarried progeny after I am dead - with their genetic heritage I'd probably think I'd been sent to Hades by mistake (because of course it would be by mistake). I will never talk about my "lost boys" (as two of them were typed as boys). They weren't "lost", they were carefully packed and taken to the regional department of medical genetics.
I will never give the embryos from my miscarriages names. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the advice to "give your lost children names in order to grieve them properly" or some such crap. Can I name all my embryos and blastocycts as well and how will I keep 30 (thirty) names straight? Can I carry a cheat-sheet around with me?
And if I lose this baby, I will probably do all of the above as losing a well-formed baby that you have seen numerous times on an ultrasound and felt move for 7 weeks is a completely different experience from the miscarriages I have had. And that is probably why it's given a different name (just a thought).
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 11:08 AM
9 Comments:
Well, sometimes I don't know what to say on a post. And then either I don't say anything,or if it's someone I really respect and care about, I try to say something that's at least not stupid.
I do sometimes find your posts intimidating as I know I've said the wrong thing at least once, but I do still get a lot out of reading them. They make me think. And I'm here rooting for this pregnancy, delighted when it's not-bad news, like this one.
beautifully written!
now see anything i write after that will seem like gold.
I run out of words to use all too often, i do read and peek up ya blouse make sure your still going strong, and then i walk away. I want to say don't worry it'll all be ok, but the world doesnt work that way as you know only too well. so yeah beautifully written crankyD.
DinoD, I am positively delighted to read your wee bit cranky post. Hopefully this means you're getting some rest from all the exhausting, scary stuff.
Wish you a wonderful weekend!
Is it enough to say - Well said. I think when all this first started I might have referred to them as "angels" now not so much... now they were pregnancies gone wrong for whatever reason. I think you're entitled to change and I lost a lot of babydust at the same time... Probably having multiple miscarriages will do that to a person.
Hang in there my cranky friend... I can send Ernie to you as he's trying to send the puppies off to the neighbors again. I'll send you some new photos to help you in your crankiness.
Your down-to-earth approach appeals to me.
I had a post in my head about how I don't feel love for my embryos. Sure, I felt and feel invested in their future, but love, no. That post never got written, because it was back around IVF cycle nr. 1. The one which resulted in 0 embryo's. Talk about a moot point. My feelings haven't changed since then, even though we now do have embryo's.
The talk about angels and meeting up in heaven, it's not something that resonates with me personally. But I accept that this is the way some people grieve. As you say, I don't feel the need to shove my opinion in anyone's face. And I appreciate other returning the favor.
It is true that any form of dissent is often badly received, if not by the blogger in question, then by the other readers. Some do a very good impression of petulant two-year olds. Maybe there's a good explanation for this. Most posts are written from a position of vulnerability, and receiving criticism is extra painful.
Or maybe there are a lot of petulant people out there. :-) What do I know.
Great post. I feel a bit icky with the whole 'angels' thing, but I suppose everyone does things differently...
I've been waiting to write something b/c I needed to digest the thoughts.
Having had 3 miscarriages, all at completely different stages, I will not refer to them as angels. They are my babies. Dead babies, but mine none the less. However, I feel more grief with my 15w "fetus" than I do with my chem pregnancy.
I am glad that I have the things I do of Vivienne. I have ultrasounds, foot and handprints, and of course the knowledge that it was a girl. I do not pull them out and look at them, but the box of all these things sits in plain view. It's enough to know.
I did not want to know the sex of Wolf, but the nurse blurted it out before I knew what she was going to say.
And I also remember the due dates mainly because of their correspondence to other things on my calendar (Wolf was due two weeks before I turn 40) and Vivienne was due on Mother's Day. I will also go to the cemetary on Mother's Day and light a candle in their honor.
Maybe I'm extending my grief beyond what one would consider normal. Maybe that's not "getting over it", but that's just the way I am.
I've lost 2 pregnancies to m/c at 12 and 13 weeks and I didnt' name them or do anything special other than grieve for what might of been.
But I've also lost two babies at 18 weeks(in 2001) and 19 weeks(just three weeks ago) . I went through labor and delivery (over 21 hours both times) held them, kissed them, took pictures, named them and had them buried. There was no denying they were babies, just born too soon because of chromosonal defects that happened months earlier, probably just moments or days after coception, who really knows? I grieve for them in a different way. I don't know if there is an after world or whether I'll ever see them again, but as long as I live on this earth, I will never forget them and the few months that we shared.
I read your blog because of your openness and honesty. Good Luck to you.
I've never had an first trimester or early second trimester miscarriage, but in the fall of 2006 one of my twins died in utero at 20 weeks and the other was born at 26 weeks and died 4 hours later.
I didn't see them or hold them. I didn't keep anything to remind me of them. I wouldn't expect anyone to remember the dates that they died. I never refer to them by name.
And I am so tired of feeling like I can't even do the whole grief thing properly.
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