I'm Trying So Hard

Disclaimer prior to reading the following: everthing is still apparently all right

I was walking across the family room rug last night and felt wetness on my feet. I looked down and saw eight to ten spots of liquid on the rug. I started checking my feet to see if I was leaking blood or amniotic fluid. My husband took one look at my face and said "it's water, it's water.. it's from the playmobil swimming pool, it's water".

I didn't cry, I just was totally numb and that's how my days go. I am constantly waiting for this to all come crashing to an end. Everytime I use the washroom I steel myself to find blood (and good lord I had forgotten how often a pregnant woman needs to use the facilities). If I try to limit my trips to the washroom then I end up with a lot of abdominal pain and this isn't a big improvement on the stress factors.

The only people who know I am pregnant are my husband, a number of medical professionals and two of the mothers of two of my sons friends (they kept wanting to set up afternoon play dates and it was either tell them or let them think that we didn't like them). None of our family knows (which has required some skillful juggling) and none of our friends know. I pick up my son after kindergarten and carefully keep my jacket closed (thank goodness it is still winter). There are several of my husbands co-workers who have wifes that are due in the summer and we are definitely keeping quiet on that front as well. I keep thinking that when everyone starts talking about what day their child was born that I will chime in with the day that mine died.

I am thankful (always) that we have made it this far. But I have to admit that I am trying so hard not to fall head over heels with this baby. I can feel it move quite a bit now (posterior placenta) and that makes it harder. I am promising myself that I will relax a little once we have the 19 week ultrasound if everything is still looking good (at the end of next week). But who am I kidding? I keep hearing the OB warning that all the bleeding in the first trimester might well mean there is something wrong with the placenta.

I am taking care of myself although I am still nauseated almost all the time and especially from about 1 pm until bedtime (which is now around 8:00 as lying down with all the lights off helps the nausea a bit). I am now only about 3 pounds below pre-pregnancy weight so things have been improving at least a bit.

So how are things with you? (And please don't try to slap me silly, I've tried and it doesn't help).

DinoD