Change
I still stand by my previous post. However, I will admit to a vague feeling of envy concerning those people who still think in terms of what is fair or what they deserve. I had those beliefs beaten out of me decades ago (literally - decades... but not literally beaten). I don't know what kind of life experiences lead people to still be looking for fairness or rewards for good behaviour or rewards for having traversed through some darkness. It's just not me and I wouldn't lightly relinquish the experiences that made me this way.
When I write about something that I find painful and someone responds with "it's not fair" or "you don't deserve that", I think I have the same response as if they would have said "the sky is blue". It simply doesn't compute or make an impression. I'm not looking for any kind of affirmation as to my worth. For me, the "it's not fair" and "you don't deserve this" comments are a non sequitur to whatever I've written.
So, the pregnancy thing... I have an appointment tomorrow with an OB wherein we will be trying to determine if we still have a heartbeat. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I can't even phrase it properly - obviously the OB and I will have heartbeats, we are hoping for a third one in the room with us.
And whether we find the third heartbeat will have nothing to do with how fair life is or isn't nor with what I do or do not deserve. It will simply be (or not). And then I will have a choice of how to let it change me.
DinoD
I still stand by my previous post. However, I will admit to a vague feeling of envy concerning those people who still think in terms of what is fair or what they deserve. I had those beliefs beaten out of me decades ago (literally - decades... but not literally beaten). I don't know what kind of life experiences lead people to still be looking for fairness or rewards for good behaviour or rewards for having traversed through some darkness. It's just not me and I wouldn't lightly relinquish the experiences that made me this way.
When I write about something that I find painful and someone responds with "it's not fair" or "you don't deserve that", I think I have the same response as if they would have said "the sky is blue". It simply doesn't compute or make an impression. I'm not looking for any kind of affirmation as to my worth. For me, the "it's not fair" and "you don't deserve this" comments are a non sequitur to whatever I've written.
So, the pregnancy thing... I have an appointment tomorrow with an OB wherein we will be trying to determine if we still have a heartbeat. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I can't even phrase it properly - obviously the OB and I will have heartbeats, we are hoping for a third one in the room with us.
And whether we find the third heartbeat will have nothing to do with how fair life is or isn't nor with what I do or do not deserve. It will simply be (or not). And then I will have a choice of how to let it change me.
DinoD
posted by DinosaurD at 12:55 PM
9 Comments:
Crossing everything that there is a nice strong heartbeat.
Here's hoping there is a heartbeat!
Let's not talk of "deserving". The point is moot. As you said it will either be or not be. Just as I know for myself that no matter what I do between now and the 8th will now change the outcome of what happens on the 8th. And I absolutely hate that. I like having the final word (obviously).
We can have that final word with our significant others, our extended families, our boss, the mailman, whoever, but we don't have control over the final word with our bodies. That sucks.
I hope you will update as soon as possible tomorrow. I'll be holding my breath until then.
No one deserves any of this crap. I just want you to know that I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Update when you can.
I don't want to sound banal, but I am so hoping for the best for you. In a tiny (comparatively) way I guess I will have to decide how it may change me too, as it appears I have become involved and have invested a little (well, a lot) of 'blogosphere' hope in that third heartbeat.
Wishing you all the strength and resilience you need, or better still, the ability to express and feel some joy and hope!
Okay - the sky is blue! Truthfully it may be blue right now, but I have no idea as it's night time/early morning and I'm just posting to say - I'm keeping my fingers crossed, holding my breath, saying some prayers, talking to a hmm not sure who, but trying to call in some favors. Whether these things work or not is not a reflection on my desire for it to work. I figure at this point it doesn't hurt right? Know I'm rooting for you - in a non-cheerleader sort of way.
3 is a good number, so I am hoping that there are 3 heartbeats in the room today.
I will be checking in often today to see what the news is, so if a government agency in WI shows up alot on your stat counter, that would be me. ;)
Hoping for a strong, healthy fetal heartbeat (and of course, a strong one for the mother as well), hoping for the best for you guys.
Envy? I often feel annoyance. Many of them are quite outspoken on what others deserve - according to them - as well.
Tomorrow only good news I hope.
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