People, DO NOT GO TO VEGAS

Um, how to say this….
At my age, the probability of a successful pregnancy is around ½ (or 1 out of 2 women will accomplish the unthinkable).
Given that I’ve been spotting for a couple of weeks, the probability drops to around 1/8 (or 1 out of 8 women).
Given my history of recurrent miscarriage, the probability drops even further to say around 1/15 (or 1 out of 15 women).
Then with no heartbeat at 7 weeks and very accurate dating, we’re looking at some probability say around 1/10,000 (or less)?
Another scan yesterday with again no detectable heartbeat drops me to a probability around 0 (that would be zero women out of any large number you want to pick).

I envy y’all your ability to still be hopeful about this pregnancy but please, please place that hope somewhere more useful (Lola and Thalia spring to mind).

I understand that it’s difficult to know what to say to someone in my position (one of my friends started telling me about birth control methods last week) but I really have come to terms with the fact that this is miscarriage #5. What I am focused on now is trying to make sure that I don’t have to wait until the second trimester to miscarry (which has happened to me before).

I am supposedly going to have another scan in a week and they are finally willing to declare nonviability if there is still no heartbeat (well, I will be at 9 weeks so I don't think they would have much choice).

Usually (usually), a lot of pregnancy symptoms translate into a viable pregnancy but that is not the case for me. Four of my five miscarriages have been physically indistinguishable from my one successful pregnancy (unless you count ultrasound evidence).

Right now I’m trying to figure out if I can manage to get through next week with the remaining pants that I still fit in. I have lost around 5 pounds in the last month but I am still down to only 3 remaining pairs of pants that still zip and button closed. So yes, I feel pregnant, I look pregnant and well I guess I am pregnant ….. but not for long.

And I still feel lucky - I have a husband who I adore and a son who I love beyond all reason. I have a lot of financial freedom to pursue whatever interests me and I am generally fortunate. I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone (let alone five) but that isn't what defines me (not even close).

Sometimes life comes down to a choice between just going on or drowning - it's not much of a choice when you really look at it. Yes, I would have loved to have another child and no, that just isn't going to happen and I'm okay with that (I have to be).

DinoD